


I Forgive You

by Kira_Dattei



Series: Developing Relationship Kinktober 2018 [4]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: AO3 FB Challenge, Canon Compliant, Developing Relationship, Liara Helps as Always, M/M, Pre-Relationship, talking things out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-07-25 02:05:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16187825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kira_Dattei/pseuds/Kira_Dattei
Summary: While recovering in Huerta, Kaidan is reminded of why he always kept moving: he starts to doubt when he shouldn't. Because he shouldn't be doubting Shepard again.





	I Forgive You

**Author's Note:**

> Day 4 of my Developing Relationship Kinktober and for the first time, I'm doing a pre-relationship for these guys.

Kaidan really needed to be released from Huerta already. With his only distraction coming in the form of regular visits from Shepard and Thane with less regular ones from the other Normandy crew members and Udina, he didn't have enough happening to truly keep himself occupied.

Along that vein, it had been a pleasant surprise the first time the Normandy had docked after their work on Palaven to see Garrus walk in with Shepard, regaling the events there as only Garrus could embellish a mission outside of reports. Of course, Shepard had told Kaidan through messages that they were on Palaven, but he’d left out that Garrus had been there and joined the crew afterwards.

The downside of that most recent visit had been that Kaidan didn’t get another chance to talk with just Shepard. They weren’t able to talk privately and keep mending the damage done to whatever their relationship would be.

And that came down to the problem he had with there being nothing but time on his hands to think: he didn’t stay confident in things outside of professional issues for very long, questioning the things he’d been told, no matter how certain the speaker had been.

It was a side effect of a lifetime neglecting his personal life.

So, low activity, limited access to datapads for at least another few days, and plenty of questions to have knocking around his rattled brain meant he wasn’t processing as well as he normally did, only succeeding in getting more frustrated by the day.

A struggle he was trying to get help with from Liara at the moment, but he still wasn’t sure if she was actually going to be able to do any good. He’d missed out on so much that had changed with her and he was having to do some serious adjusting. And he was having to do it while asking her for advice.

Though, right now, she was giving him a look he wondered if she’d learned right from Ash, one that asked through expression alone how he made it to adulthood, let alone past his twenties.

“You are less capable of figuring things out when you aren’t working?” she asked, paraphrasing him.

“I figured if anyone would understand, it’d be you,” he shot back. “But I’m not allowed to work right now. I’m only allowed to have a datapad for a few minutes at a time a few times a day. Anything more has too high of a risk of triggering a migraine and Michel wants to avoid those until the swelling has gone down a bit more. Work helps me focus in, slows down my thinking so that I can actually figure things out. Right now, I don’t have anything to distract me.”

“Okay, I can appreciate that struggle. So, what _are_ you having difficulty working through right now that you are asking for my assistance?”

Kaidan hesitated to put it to words, even to someone he considered one of his best friends. “It’s about Shepard,” he managed to at least start.

“That would be an obvious conclusion,” she said easily and he frowned. Apparently, nothing about this was going to be easy and it was partially going to be her fault.

“I’m worried about what’s happened between us. Our argument on Horizon when he was with Cerberus and how I treated him on Mars, I’m wondering if it really is so easy as saying ‘we’re past it’ to really be, you know, past it. Or will it just be this dark spot between us forever?” He was getting frustrated with how inarticulate he was being. Sure, he usually floundered when it came to communicating anything personal, but this was ridiculous.

Liara leaned forward, placing her elbows on her knees to get a bit closer to Kaidan. “If you’re Commander John Shepard, then yes, it is that easy.” She gave him a smile, one he was more familiar with as being a show of her kindness and empathy. “Do you really believe he’d hold a grudge against _you_ , of all people?”

“It’s not like I’m anything special,” Kaidan said, more out of habit from his days in BAaT and years of being a marine.  He’d been letting comments like that slip out since waking up in Huerta, his filter of propriety not as strong.

But Liara took it in stride. “Except to Shepard, you are everything special. Consider what this means to what you are to him: anyone could get a lucky shot in and injure Shepard. That’s just his life, yours as well. But you are the only person who can completely destroy him just by what you say. If you’d seen him after you got hurt, you’d never doubt him again.”

“I don’t doubt him. It’s always me I’m questioning. I’m doubting myself.”

“And you really shouldn’t. I have watched your career closely over the past few years." The way she had put that made him a little suspicious but she didn't give him a chance to ponder it. "You are good at your job and you deserve every bit of attention you have received. And I suspect you are about to get even more. But beyond all that, there is one man who only sees you, just as you see him as no one else can. So, tell me: is it worth letting go of that barrier you have up at all times to see what’s in front of you being willingly offered?”

He was sure he knew what Liara meant – Shepard still loved him – but he didn’t play with flights of fancy and hope alone. He needed something to tip him off one way or another and he could only get that from Shepard.

Who had promised he’d be stopping by again later today once he'd finished running his usual Normandy errands.

Kaidan just had to remain confident enough in Shepard to ask when he could.

There was always the catch.

Liara kept him company, even caught him up on details he wasn’t being allowed, for another two hours before the door slid open and Shepard walked in. He had his omnitool activated and nearly walked into Liara’s chair before looking up and being surprised by the asari’s presence.

“Oh, Liara, I didn’t know you were here. Am I interrupting?” Shepard asked, a little flustered strangely enough.

She smiled at Shepard, though it looked teasing. “Of course not, Shepard. I was only keeping him occupied until you arrived.”

That was a stretch: Kaidan hadn’t actually mentioned Shepard was going to be stopping by. Though he wasn’t surprised that she’d known. Maybe she had even timed her own visit to work around Shepard’s.

“Oh, ok, that’s great. He needs all the entertainment he can get until they let him on a datapad for longer than five minutes.” Shepard recovered easily enough as he turned off his omnitool and waited where he was a few steps away from the chair, letting Liara have it as long as she was there.

Not that it mattered because Liara stood up, reaching out to give Kaidan’s hand a friendly squeeze before turning toward the door. “I’ll leave you to your conversation. I’ll stop by at least once more before we depart tomorrow.”

“Thanks, Liara,” Kaidan replied as he pulled himself up a little higher on the bed, breathing through the muscle soreness that he felt finally making the shift from tightness of being injured to the stiffness of healing up and inactivity. He settled in place as Shepard sat down, having moved the chair a bit closer so he could lean his elbows on the bed next to Kaidan’s sides barely a few inches from touching him.

“You’re looking better than even yesterday,” Shepard commented. “Bruising is nearly gone,” he added with a quick wave around his eyes.

“Slowest healing bruise I’ve ever had,” Kaidan complained, only half-serious. After all, it was only bruising slowed down by the concussion and swelling around his implant. He’d had worse.

“I talked with Michel before coming in: she gave me an update on your progress from a doctor’s perspective.”

Kaidan crossed his arms. “Certified field medic isn’t sufficient anymore?”

Shepard smirked at him. “Not when the medic is the patient and not when the patient is you. You officially have a conflict of interest in giving an honest assessment.”

“I’m insulted you think I’d downplay injury to get out of here sooner.”

Shepard gave him a smirk. “I would, so why not?”

Kaidan was interrupted before he could answer by Shepard’s omnitool sounding a notification. The Commander frowned at it before activating it to read what he’d received. It could be from any of a few dozen people and Kaidan’s current medical leave meant he could only know the contents from a small percentage of that number. There was a second and then he just looked confused, glanced up at Kaidan, then back down to his omnitool.

“What is it?”

“Wanna tell me why Liara is messaging _me_ to tell you she’ll know if you don’t bring it up?”

Yeah, Liara really had changed.

But she was also showing she knew Kaidan still, that she really did understand him.

“We were talking,” Kaidan began, but stalled out. He’d been doing good about not losing ground on discussing things like this, especially since he’d already talked about it with Shepard. But this time he was actually afraid of Shepard’s answer. Time didn’t always work in people’s favor when it came to harsh words and Kaidan had led the charge on harsh words on Mars, even if he had cooled off toward the end.

“I figured Liara isn’t like Garrus and will actually let you get a word in edgewise,” Shepard joked and Kaidan appreciated it.

“About us. You and me. That we’d talked and settled things, decided we could move on from Horizon and Mars.”

“I’m sure she was pleased to hear that. So, what’s the problem?” Shepard’s voice took on a kinder tone towards the end, not something many people heard, and most people tended to doubt even existed because that didn’t match up to the Commander who had done so much and was known for his combat prowess.

“I just don’t do well idle. I start thinking and questioning things.”

Shepard gave him an incredulous look. “Wait, you have a ‘starting point’ for that overactive brain?”

Shepard was helping him relax. Enough for him to blurt out, “We’re really okay, easy as saying we are?”

That was where Shepard’s demeanor faltered and now Kaidan was worried. “No wonder Liara messaged,” he muttered and Kaidan looked away figuring he might actually have flushed a little: he was supposed to be a capable adult. “Hey, the first step is forgiveness, right? That’s what everybody says, that you start there and everything else can follow. And you already apologized, a nice and heartfelt one at that, so we’re already moving forward.” He paused and Kaidan looked back to him to see a thoughtful expression. “Or maybe I need to be a bit more clear about my end of things?” Shepard leaned a bit closer to him and Kaidan had to work to keep eye contact. “Kaidan Alenko: I forgive you for what you said on Horizon and the accusations on Mars. You are a careful person and you needed to be sure. You aren't wrong being you.”

And Kaidan believed him, just as he had believed him on Mars, no longer pained by heartache as he had been on Horizon. And maybe he would continue to believe him once Shepard wasn’t in front of him making it easy to trust.

Feeling they weren’t quite finished, Kaidan reached out and pushed at Shepard’s arm jokingly but mostly answering his need to touch Shepard as he hadn’t had the right to in nearly three years.

“Then I forgive you, too.” Shepard looked like he was about to protest, then looked like he was confused and Kaidan let him get there before continuing. “For not giving me anything but rumors before being in front of my face. You should have known Anderson wouldn’t have been allowed to tell me he’d seen you and asked about me, not then with my rank and assignment.”

Shepard reached up and scratched at his head nervously. “Yeah, it’s one of my biggest tactical errors from then.”

“If you’d given me _something_ , I would have found it. Me, not Lieutenant Alenko,”

“I got it. It won’t happen again.”

“It’d help if you just didn’t die again.”

Shepard laughed. Kaidan loving the sound and his serious demeanor breaking then. “I’ll keep that in mind. So, we’re good for real this time?”

“We should be.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'll reorder Moments Between Missions when Kinktober is finished or I'd have to reorder them a few times this month ^_^.  
> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed. See you next time.


End file.
